A question I've asked many times before and almost always in a state of crisis.
I lost control last night and hit the bottle HARD. Finding myself slip away further and further. I thought I had figured it all out a month earlier. Hell... Not even that long if I think about it. Give or take three weeks. My mind is becoming a sift and I'm beginning to care less and less. And somehow more and more. Very contradictory, I know. I'd love to have a layed back fuck yes mentality, but anxiety has been keeping me from doing that.
The world has become a horrible place once more. The more time I spent trying to stay away from humanity, the more I realized I was better off by myself. At least that's what it feels like. The ongoing pandemic has made it easier for me to be by myself, but re-entering the world bit by bit and taking time to reflect on my ventures (albeit small) makes me realize the majority of people are opportunists and self centered assholes. It's like it's a trait these days to be well mannered and genuinely nice. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Wouldn't that be easier?
If I had to filter the bad news from the good these past years then the scales are very definitely out of balance for the worse. Accidents, depression, illness, pain, narcisism, hatred and feeling uneasy have been the main attractions. When they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then surely positive thinking can be somewhat in the same boat.
It was my dad's birthday last sunday... I couldn't handle it and drunkenly fell off my bike, straight onto my shoulder. Tore a ligament... A dumb injury for sure, but I wish I didn't try to negate what I felt the only way I knew how. Guess I should consider myself "lucky" to not 've hit my head. But that leads me down another train of thought I rather wouldn't slip into right now.
I'm generally afraid of others if not paranoid about their intentions. Everyone I've ever known has challenged my ability to trust over the years, no matter how small the reprecussions. It's a cliché saying but the more people I meet, the more I love animals.
