Meanwhile I try to be the good guy. Never stand in anyone's way, always be considerate, give people what they want within my possibility, be supportive, be nice and courteous in general. And what do I get in return? Misery, pain, nagging, people only coming to me when they need me.
And boy are they needy. But if I need something or if I'm sad this goes unnoticed or is just plain ignored. It's been like this all of my life. As if some invisble force hates my fuckin' guts. Karma's bullshit... But nothing changes if I forcefully take what I need. The past has proven that much. No matter what route I take, I get fucked.
I try to get my life together with the woman I love and nothing changes for the better. I cut contact with a LOT of people and still the ones that are in my life are giving me a horrible time and loads of stress. It's like whenever I see a hurdle I want to hop it turns into an unclimbable mountain.
I'm tired, unhappy, on edge, fighting for what I want every single day. Nights have become worse again and sound. Fuck I can't stand sound. And it's everywhere... People constantly talking, jackhammering, driving trucks, hitting things, using sawblades, grinders, etc... I just cant cope anymore. Nothing works. I smoke a J every single night because it's the only thing that numbs me enough to give less of a fuck about my surroundings or the situation I'm in. Life doesn't become easier, it becomes harder every single day. The pain never fades.
I thought about being dead again today. I was driving along to another obligation I didn't want to commit to, but it involves my son and I love him so that makes it a little easier. Still, I don't want to be where I am half of the time. I get sucked into situations where my sanity and patience are constantly tested.
I can't even think straight because of the noise the children are making. They NEVER shut up... EVER.
People rarely take no for an answer when they ask me anything and constantly overstep my boundaries. I rarely ask people stuff but when they don't comply I try to understand why and respect their answer.
Is there something incredibly wrong with me? Is it so abnormal to expect mutual respect and decency? I'm not saying everyone's a capitol C but fuck. Like 90% of all people I meet are. And it turns out they are usually the ones that get things done and are successful. It makes NO sense.
The world is hellishly sick... And people are the disease...
