The light

I've been trying to find the light in the darkness without her. In certain moments I did, but now I feel like I'm back to square one. 

It's as if the universe taunts me. The movies I watch contain memories of her, and quite specific ones. Last night I watched one and felt laughed at. Every other 10 minutes, a painful reminder of what I'd lost. My dreams used to be nightmares, but after dreaming about us reconciling, I wish I could've stayed in that dream state and never woken up again. Not to this reality...

I've been trying so hard to choose myself, and to try and embrace the light in life. All I can think and feel is her. The love I feel for her is like nothing I've ever experienced. I want her to be happy and free, but I want to be happy and free with her. 

The deep conversations we shared, the laughs, the beautiful words we uttered towards one another. What once felt like bliss now haunts my very being.

Having the capacity to love someone so deeply, choose her at every turn and not have it reciprocated is torture.

Nothing soothes the pain. No kind of drug, distraction or meditation. Sitting with the feeling only makes me feel more worn out. Both physically and mentally.

I can't tell her what she already doesn't know. And I refrain from telling her how I feel at this moment, because doing so would only make her pull away further. 

Each time I go through these dark nights of the soul I feel like I couldn't get any lower. This time I've hit rock bottom. Alienated from those who I've at one point considered friends. 

I'm alone in this. My mind plays tricks on me. I find myself begging a higher force for her to come back. For her to choose me as I'd chosen her. 

No other person has made my heart yearn like this. Yearn for a better, peaceful and fulfilling life. I don't know how I'm going to get through this, but I hope I do. One way or another. That it may make me stronger, if there is no other way. Most of all, I want to do this with her by my side... My best friend, my lover, my soulmate.

The Sound

 The sound of it all is too much. I wake up in the morning to the sound of weed whackers and motorized machines. I smell their foul engines. I can't take it anymore. I jump on my bicycle and head to the nearest park to try to find the quiet of nature. There is no quiet. Quiet died. It's being drowned out by anything and everything, but mostly other humans. Even as I sit here in a space that's remotely secluded, I still hear machines an people in the background. A distant train, an overhead plane engine, car motors, motorcycles, mopeds, children making racket. Everything seems to keep me on edge. I don't want the constant noise anymore. People seem to be EVERYWHERE. You can't get away from them. 

Does this world require me to wear ANC headphones 24/7 to have some resemblance of quiet? Even then the environmental sounds drone straight through.

I'm in a constant hypervigilant state and it's putting strain on my body.

I want to quit smoking as well, but it's too hard at the moment with constant stressors freaking me out. I know the cigarettes don't help, but it's better to have a fake sense of comfort than none at all. I try touching a tree to ground me. Want to take off my shoes, but I am afraid of creepy crawlies in the dirt. 

This is my own personal hell. I can not find the peace I so desperately long for. Sometimes I ask it all to stop out loud. It doesn't. Never EVER. SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU JUST SHUT UP FOR 10 MINUTES! 

Even when it's seemingly more tranquil my brain finds another worry. A sharp pain somewhere in my body, a feeling of queezyness, tension in my muscles. Pain in my neck and shoulders which I can't seem to relax. 

I have a psychologist appointment tomorrow. I hope that helps a little.

New year, new bull

The first two days of the new years feel dreadful. Day by day this world becomes more displeasing to me. No surprise, really. People are becoming worse in every damn sense. Greedy, disrespectful, dishonest, self absorbed, destructive, antisocial. I'm guilty of the last one lately, but it has everything to do with the other negative traits people exhibit. 

My bed pulls me when I try to get up, every single morning... Waking up feeling miserable every day is becoming the standard in my life. Never well rested, never happy, never hopeful. The first thing I usually hear is crying or complaining. Sometimes a combination of both accompanied by shouting. I look out the window and it's dark, cold and wet most days. I want to cuddle up under a blanket, but then the guilt of not being productive creeps up on me. Feeling like a failure, a letdown, a useless being in a frantic, random world filled with negativity. Pointless.... Everything feels so damn pointless. 

Never getting what I want, never succeeding. Bad news waiting around the corner constantly. 

The struggle continues

I just cried without making sound. Felt tears running down my cheek whilst I tried to fight whatever feeling of sadness that came over me. 

From the moment I wake up, the stress eats away at me. A toddler screaming downstairs, a kitten doing everything he shouldn't. The kitten biting the toddler because he won't leave the kitten alone for one minute, then complains when the kitten scratches or bites him.

He doesn't seem to learn. The kid just turned three and listens to nothing we say. Never takes no for an answer. Needs constant attention. Always does the opposite of what we ask. He can't play alone for more than 5 minutes and we can't get anything done without him crawling all over us or trying to get our attention in any way. Even while I'm typing this he sat on me 3 or 4 times already. We've sought parenting advice and even counseling, nothing seems to work. His father probably gives him everything he wants whilst we try to teach him boundaries. Each time he comes back from dad, we seem to be at square one. His father tells us the kid is always nice and obeys him when he's there. It's been numerously clear that every other word that comes out of his mouth is a lie. I'm pretty sure this narcissistic person believes his own lies. Not only that, but also the fact that he tries to buy the kid's affection. Presents each and every time he's over there. I know this is a tactic that stops working over time as the kid grows up, but it's hell on earth for us at the moment. And if this would be the only issue then fine... 

My partner is depressed and I'm walking on eggshells, trying to make ends meet whilst looking for a job. Financial struggles are also a big one. Every thing I make recently goes to food, bills and things not specifically for myself. I feel guilty whenever I try to relax because there's so much that needs to be done. 

I'm in the process of quitting my current job training because the customers I had to work with were 90% rude or non-empathic. The software and/or hardware I had to work with rarely functioned the way it should. This all resulted in extra stress because I couldn't get anything done on time because of constant factors that weren't within my control. It looked like I wasn't fit to do the job, while in reality my equipment was trash. Now I'm looking for something new with preferably no customer contact because almost every encounter I make with other people aside from my son and partner leads to distrust and paranoia on my end. 

Honesty has become a rarity. Society seems to crumble more each and every day because of selfish arrogance and blind ignorance. No problem ever went away by ignoring it. If I'm the only person fighting against this stream of bullshit it's like I'm preaching into the choir. Nobody seems to adequatly care about being a respectful and tolerable person anymore. 

Life is pain

My life has been one battle after another. Every single day is a struggle. People are hurtful, rude, inconsiderate, annoy me, try to get a rise out of me. 

Meanwhile I try to be the good guy. Never stand in anyone's way, always be considerate, give people what they want within my possibility, be supportive, be nice and courteous in general. And what do I get in return? Misery, pain, nagging, people only coming to me when they need me. 

And boy are they needy. But if I need something or if I'm sad this goes unnoticed or is just plain ignored. It's been like this all of my life. As if some invisble force hates my fuckin' guts. Karma's bullshit... But nothing changes if I forcefully take what I need. The past has proven that much. No matter what route I take, I get fucked. 

I try to get my life together with the woman I love and nothing changes for the better. I cut contact with a LOT of people and still the ones that are in my life are giving me a horrible time and loads of stress. It's like whenever I see a hurdle I want to hop it turns into an unclimbable mountain. 

I'm tired, unhappy, on edge, fighting for what I want every single day. Nights have become worse again and sound. Fuck I can't stand sound. And it's everywhere... People constantly talking, jackhammering, driving trucks, hitting things, using sawblades, grinders, etc... I just cant cope anymore. Nothing works. I smoke a J every single night because it's the only thing that numbs me enough to give less of a fuck about my surroundings or the situation I'm in. Life doesn't become easier, it becomes harder every single day. The pain never fades. 

I thought about being dead again today. I was driving along to another obligation I didn't want to commit to, but it involves my son and I love him so that makes it a little easier. Still, I don't want to be where I am half of the time. I get sucked into situations where my sanity and patience are constantly tested. 

I can't even think straight because of the noise the children are making. They NEVER shut up... EVER. 

People rarely take no for an answer when they ask me anything and constantly overstep my boundaries. I rarely ask people stuff but when they don't comply I try to understand why and respect their answer. 

Is there something incredibly wrong with me? Is it so abnormal to expect mutual respect and decency? I'm not saying everyone's a capitol C but fuck. Like 90% of all people I meet are. And it turns out they are usually the ones that get things done and are successful. It makes NO sense.

The world is hellishly sick... And people are the disease...

What is life?

 A question I've asked many times before and almost always in a state of crisis. 

I lost control last night and hit the bottle HARD. Finding myself slip away further and further. I thought I had figured it all out a month earlier. Hell... Not even that long if I think about it. Give or take three weeks. My mind is becoming a sift and I'm beginning to care less and less. And somehow more and more. Very contradictory, I know. I'd love to have a layed back fuck yes mentality, but anxiety has been keeping me from doing that. 

The world has become a horrible place once more. The more time I spent trying to stay away from humanity, the more I realized I was better off by myself. At least that's what it feels like. The ongoing pandemic has made it easier for me to be by myself, but re-entering the world bit by bit and taking time to reflect on my ventures (albeit small) makes me realize the majority of people are opportunists and self centered assholes. It's like it's a trait these days to be well mannered and genuinely nice. Shouldn't it be the other way around? Wouldn't that be easier?

If I had to filter the bad news from the good these past years then the scales are very definitely out of balance for the worse. Accidents, depression, illness, pain, narcisism, hatred and feeling uneasy have been the main attractions. When they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, then surely positive thinking can be somewhat in the same boat. 

It was my dad's birthday last sunday... I couldn't handle it and drunkenly fell off my bike, straight onto my shoulder. Tore a ligament... A dumb injury for sure, but I wish I didn't try to negate what I felt the only way I knew how. Guess I should consider myself "lucky" to not 've hit my head. But that leads me down another train of thought I rather wouldn't slip into right now. 

I'm generally afraid of others if not paranoid about their intentions. Everyone I've ever known has challenged my ability to trust over the years, no matter how small the reprecussions. It's a cliché saying but the more people I meet, the more I love animals. 

Well this beats all...

 Never had it crossed my mind to call the cops because my neighbours were having an argument until today. They've been throwing things and shouting for months now and it overtriggers me because I have a serious anxiety disorder. Why does this keep happening? I'm with my girlfriend and her two year old toddler won't go to sleep because of the neighbours going at it. Even after the police left, they just continued the fight as if nothing happened. 

The slightest sound now startles me and my medication is NOT working under these circumstances. I haven't been this afraid in years and it triggers something traumatic to say the least, since I'm very susceptible to sound. I tried to play an easy game on my cellphone and wait for the storm to pass. I have no role in this. I'm just very concerned for those around me right now. My phone shaking in my hands as I got the police station phone number at the ready. My breath elevated because my fight or flight mechanism won't stop kicking in. Even to the point that it freezes me. 

The cops are next door again. My guess is the neighbours from the other side called. The next door lady is COMPLETELY insane. The cops came to check and hear our side of the story for the second time. She claims we banged the wall, while it's them making all the noise. My GF is trying to put her toddler to bed for pete's sake!!! What is this madness? Has the world gone berzerk? If I had a grain of respect, compassion and trust for others outside my circle then it's completely gone now. Thank you humanity. For once again proving you're nothing more than an annoying self-destructive parasite on the face of this poor planet.