The sound of it all is too much. I wake up in the morning to the sound of weed whackers and motorized machines. I smell their foul engines. I can't take it anymore. I jump on my bicycle and head to the nearest park to try to find the quiet of nature. There is no quiet. Quiet died. It's being drowned out by anything and everything, but mostly other humans. Even as I sit here in a space that's remotely secluded, I still hear machines an people in the background. A distant train, an overhead plane engine, car motors, motorcycles, mopeds, children making racket. Everything seems to keep me on edge. I don't want the constant noise anymore. People seem to be EVERYWHERE. You can't get away from them.
Does this world require me to wear ANC headphones 24/7 to have some resemblance of quiet? Even then the environmental sounds drone straight through.
I'm in a constant hypervigilant state and it's putting strain on my body.
I want to quit smoking as well, but it's too hard at the moment with constant stressors freaking me out. I know the cigarettes don't help, but it's better to have a fake sense of comfort than none at all. I try touching a tree to ground me. Want to take off my shoes, but I am afraid of creepy crawlies in the dirt.
This is my own personal hell. I can not find the peace I so desperately long for. Sometimes I ask it all to stop out loud. It doesn't. Never EVER. SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU JUST SHUT UP FOR 10 MINUTES!
Even when it's seemingly more tranquil my brain finds another worry. A sharp pain somewhere in my body, a feeling of queezyness, tension in my muscles. Pain in my neck and shoulders which I can't seem to relax.
I have a psychologist appointment tomorrow. I hope that helps a little.
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