The light

I've been trying to find the light in the darkness without her. In certain moments I did, but now I feel like I'm back to square one. 

It's as if the universe taunts me. The movies I watch contain memories of her, and quite specific ones. Last night I watched one and felt laughed at. Every other 10 minutes, a painful reminder of what I'd lost. My dreams used to be nightmares, but after dreaming about us reconciling, I wish I could've stayed in that dream state and never woken up again. Not to this reality...

I've been trying so hard to choose myself, and to try and embrace the light in life. All I can think and feel is her. The love I feel for her is like nothing I've ever experienced. I want her to be happy and free, but I want to be happy and free with her. 

The deep conversations we shared, the laughs, the beautiful words we uttered towards one another. What once felt like bliss now haunts my very being.

Having the capacity to love someone so deeply, choose her at every turn and not have it reciprocated is torture.

Nothing soothes the pain. No kind of drug, distraction or meditation. Sitting with the feeling only makes me feel more worn out. Both physically and mentally.

I can't tell her what she already doesn't know. And I refrain from telling her how I feel at this moment, because doing so would only make her pull away further. 

Each time I go through these dark nights of the soul I feel like I couldn't get any lower. This time I've hit rock bottom. Alienated from those who I've at one point considered friends. 

I'm alone in this. My mind plays tricks on me. I find myself begging a higher force for her to come back. For her to choose me as I'd chosen her. 

No other person has made my heart yearn like this. Yearn for a better, peaceful and fulfilling life. I don't know how I'm going to get through this, but I hope I do. One way or another. That it may make me stronger, if there is no other way. Most of all, I want to do this with her by my side... My best friend, my lover, my soulmate.

The Sound

 The sound of it all is too much. I wake up in the morning to the sound of weed whackers and motorized machines. I smell their foul engines. I can't take it anymore. I jump on my bicycle and head to the nearest park to try to find the quiet of nature. There is no quiet. Quiet died. It's being drowned out by anything and everything, but mostly other humans. Even as I sit here in a space that's remotely secluded, I still hear machines an people in the background. A distant train, an overhead plane engine, car motors, motorcycles, mopeds, children making racket. Everything seems to keep me on edge. I don't want the constant noise anymore. People seem to be EVERYWHERE. You can't get away from them. 

Does this world require me to wear ANC headphones 24/7 to have some resemblance of quiet? Even then the environmental sounds drone straight through.

I'm in a constant hypervigilant state and it's putting strain on my body.

I want to quit smoking as well, but it's too hard at the moment with constant stressors freaking me out. I know the cigarettes don't help, but it's better to have a fake sense of comfort than none at all. I try touching a tree to ground me. Want to take off my shoes, but I am afraid of creepy crawlies in the dirt. 

This is my own personal hell. I can not find the peace I so desperately long for. Sometimes I ask it all to stop out loud. It doesn't. Never EVER. SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU JUST SHUT UP FOR 10 MINUTES! 

Even when it's seemingly more tranquil my brain finds another worry. A sharp pain somewhere in my body, a feeling of queezyness, tension in my muscles. Pain in my neck and shoulders which I can't seem to relax. 

I have a psychologist appointment tomorrow. I hope that helps a little.