Lackluster

"Ich hab keine lust"

A lyric in a Rammstein song, and super fitting in my current situation. I can't find solace in anything anymore. I'm tired most of the time. I'm in bed whilst typing right now even. It's 18.35 on a tuesday... I hardly slept last night.

I try to think of things that truly excite me, that make me want to get up and go out into the world. Nothing comes to mind. The only moments I can still enjoy from time to time are of a sexual nature. Everything else seems like a chore. I should go out and be actively hunting for a job, but my morale is dead. It's at an all time low. I feel light headed because of exhaustion. I need a drink and a hug...

I'm also afraid. Afraid to not find a job where I feel I'll fit in. Having to do that job for the rest of my miserable life until I die. Where is the passion I so desperately need? There's wax left, but the candle burnt out prematurely. Its wick is fucked beyond belief...

Sheople

Why are people so drawn to everyday things? Well... Most people.

I'm sitting here in a local bar on my own. I observe them. They all look similar. Same clothes, matching haircuts, plastic smiles and an Iphone. I'm guessing that I'd be the only one out of place here if I wasn't a regular...

I feel alienated in this world far too often. Making contact seems harder every single day. Past experiences made me resent people. Why can't they be real? If I ask how you're doing don't say fine unless you mean it.

I've been raised with morals and manners. Something I praise my parents for. But when do I stop saying "hello" to people? Why do I get a weird stare or no reply or interaction most of the time? Is it because I deviate from their ridiculous norm of how a person should look and behave?

For instance; There's a man who I meet on the regular. He walks his dog around town. He seems like a loner in his late 30's, early 40's. I greet him from time to time and get a reply. When I don't greet him he acts as if I'm not there. I'm the instigator here... I am in 90% of these cases. Because of my condition, making contact with strange people requires a lot of effort on my end. It's exhausting at times.

When I know you, meet you on the street and don't say "hi", then that means I truly did not notice you because I was elsewhere in my mind. I didn't ignore you, it's not in my nature.

Being generally nice to people never got me anywhere. I'm super polite at job interviews. I Don't sell myself short or over estimate. I'm fair and never lie about my abilities, yet people give me a weird vibe. If I don't feel like I should be there applying for whatever the add said, then I won't be. Yes, I'm no ordinary Joe. I don't aspire to be... I never will be.

Foory needs a little r&r... But it's hard to find in this chaos.

I can't help but feel a little left out.