Another downfall

And then everything turns out way worse than you would've ever imagined. Purity is dead, people are inherently evil and selfish. I'm in a damn dark place right now and at some times nobody seems to take me fucking seriously anymore. Shit, didn't know this was gonna turn into a damn rant... I'm sorry. I'm just so sick and tired of everyone's bullshit from time to time. And my own for that matter... 3 days of being absolutely manic and the downfall afterwards. I'm losing all hope and fear ending up the way my father did if this continues the way it does. I used to be a loving person, if anything I loved too much. It always hurt me. Now I feel like an empty shell, and no matter how many people surround me, I feel alone. My favourite state of being? Unconscious, or wasted. So I don't have to feel... Is that a way to live? I've tried so many different times to find a job under different circumstances to no damn avail. I crashed and burned every damn time because I grew unhappy with what I was doing. And now, now I don't even know what makes me happy anymore... I'm trying to find a reason to keep on living. Trying to survive. It becomes more difficult every damn time. The ladder that once helped me to crawl out of this damn hole has become creaky, slippery and moldy. I tried something different last weekend. Tried not to get wasted and just to watch some bands with good friends and have fun. Even though I somewhat enjoyed some of the music, I felt preoccupied with my thoughts. Tried to keep my cool and chill the fuck out the day after. And now... It's another day in quicksand...