Here we are again, feeling like 12 pounds of shit in a 10 pound bag.
Can I explain why? Partly... Things haven't been going the way they should lately. Last weekend was a total drag. And even though moments of fun were surely had, it seemed meaningless and bland.
Met up with some old friends, so that was quite nice. But now, now I feel drained. So bloody tired for some reason. And angry as well. Angry at the feeling I'm currently having. Things are expected of me, but I do not feel the slightest drive to do them. Everyone can go to hell at times like these. I don't need them and just mainly want people to leave me alone. Social interaction becomes more of a nuisance than anything else. I don't always want to have to tell people what I'm about to do.
The worst part is there's nothing that I can think of right now that would ease my mind or even relax me for a second. I just want to rest my head and sleep for a few hours. Just make time pass... Well doesn't that sound fucking depressing. I guess it does. Retorical question, without a doubt. Plus I'm asking myself AND answering which makes it even more weird.
The floor pattern in the hallway totally sucks, there's a million things they could've done differently with it. I doubt that was their main concern when they built this place, but then why the fuck would they bother putting in a pattern at all? So many nonsensical unanswered questions going through my head. Trying to figure out what makes people tick sometimes. And only because I feel so different from others. And maybe somehow finding out what's wrong with me or what I can change about myself... If I find the strength to get up and do so in the first place.
Sometimes I get so fucking delusional I'm convinced that the world is sick and not me. How egotistical is that bullshit? And the more I think about it, the more I'm starting to believe it...
If I died right now, how much impact would it have on those around me? How swiftly will I be forgotten only for things to move on? I can't imagine I'm so important to those around me. I can't even find a way to make things work for myself, so what help could I possibly provide? And yes, you can give me answers that contain my Son, My mother, other possible relatives or friends... But they will eventually get over me and carry on. And yet, the weird thing is, death seems so easy to me. Maybe a little too easy. Somehow there's a glint of hope left in me, that some day will come along where my problems will be fixed or at least bearable... But I must admit, as time goes on my hope is slipping...
Trying to find a way to keep going...
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