Past fears catching up.

I just had a terrible breakdown which was lingering for a while now, explaining why I was so drunk this weekend...

Tuesday I got completely humiliated and mentally destroyed for no apparent reason by a person whose name I shall not speak of. I locked up and got so angry that I had to suppress rage in such a way that my eyes started gleaming. This really destroyed me, pulled out the foundation underneath me. A foundation which I had to work on very hard for so long. But none of it seemed to matter. I have been shoved back into a pit lately. And bad luck seems to seek me wherever I go...
People tell me: "Luck is what you make it!" Well... HORSESHIT. It's been statistically proven that some people have more bad luck than others, but nobody has figured out why. Great...

So yeah naturally past Friday I felt like killing the pain the only way I knew, with copious amounts of booze.
And this time I went so overboard that even today I'm still feeling the after-effect... I may have to retire from the drinking game for a while until my body feels somewhat restored. I have to figure out more things about myself. I thought I was stronger than this... Turns out I've been wanting stuff that I can't grasp because of my own actions. Also, how can people be such inconsiderate douchebags at times? A little friendliness goes a long way in my book. I always try to be nice towards people, especially those I haven't met. But some of them just don't apply this way of social interaction. They break you down, the second you talk to them. If I could only understand what makes people do this, then maybe I could show compassion for this behavior. But now, I totally don't. Done, they're just done... Once somebody talks down to me the first time they met me, they will probably never hear me speak again. Unless they apologize for what they've done, show me that they sincerely mean it and regret their former actions.

I was already somewhat of a misanthrope but this case just made it SO much worse. I trust every person I don't know around me as much as a rabid doberman. When I sit down in a bar, I always find my backside directly facing a wall so I can see everything that happens around me. No sudden surprises. I hate those.
Oh, by the way.. when I say surprises it's meant in a bad way (just to be clear if this was not already obvious).

Today I went to Antwerp with my girlfriend. Didn't really feel like it but I owed her this. I've been kind of a couch potato lately (BECAUSE REASONS!). So we went and I had this feeling which I can't explain and haven't felt for quite a while now. I thought: "hey, you haven't eaten anything yet.. maybe it's just the low blood sugar". Well, was I ever wrong.
A while after I ate I started getting this really bad pressure between my eyes. Like the beginning of a terrible migraine attack. My breathing started to get heavy and I felt like I was gonna die. Classic anxiety attack. But only this time it felt a million times worse than it ever did. I immediately had to abort whatever plans we had for that day and had to beg her to take me home. Not that she didn't want to help me, but I understand. This is hard to comprehend. I felt so guilty about taking this day away from her. She had been looking forward to it so badly. I wished it would go away, but it only got worse. I could tell by the look on her face that she was disappointed. I've seen this look a million times on a million faces. Nobody can fool me into telling they aren't feeling this way. If there was anything I could have done to stop it, I would have... Sadly there wasn't. So I kept telling her how sorry I was about this whole thing...

Let me go in depth a little more about how I feel when getting these terrible attacks.

-Some sort of migraine that pressures my head like crazy (especially between the eyes).
-A bad case of hyperventilation because yay, it's not bad enough to feel one thing that I don't like.
-Kind of a "dizzy Hulk" thing I have going on.
-Every little sound drives me insane (In this case an escalator.. I really wanted to rip it to shreds)
-All people around me scare me, they have to go away.
-It's very hard for me to talk, I can only state that I don't feel well and I have to get out of here.
-I have to get to a safe haven. Somewhere familiar where there's preferably no one around.
-Don't ask me too many questions, I can't answer them.
-In a desperate attempt, when trying to fight what I'm feeling I may come off as super angry. I'm not angry at you, only at myself and the feeling I'm having.

After a few minutes in a quiet familiar place this all fades pretty fast. Talking to me about fun stuff that I like helps sometimes, but not in every case of this, depending on how far of a stage I am.

On a side note, I always want to know people that everything I do is out of good will. I never mean harm to anyone whatsoever. Not physically nor mentally. I think about those around me as much as I can. Something other people may want to take an interest in. Because holy hell, just look at traffic sometimes. That really shows the nature of people.

I hope that this will end soon, and that I find a second wind. Because I don't have the time for this...