Now I know...

Now I finally know what has been giving me stress and tearing me apart.

My parents had been gone for a week and I felt fine that entire week (except for another fucking problem with my ex, FUCKING HELL I'm getting tired of this). I even slept normally, which is a big deal for me!! My girlfriend stayed over and we filled our days with fun and relaxation which we both desperately needed it seems.

The second my parents returned from their trip I started sleeping badly, and feeling very uncomfortable. I'm trying to fix up an old laptop for future recordings at the moment. This is a very hard task considering my son is here. And he's at a terrible age where he needs mountains of attention (can't do anything for myself) and breaks EVERYTHING he gets his hands on. The tension over here is just through the roof at the moment. That and many questions I have in my life at the moment. I'm not contempt at all with the way things are going lately. It's even the little things in life that can't go right.

My stomach is upset, acid reflux is just around the corner and I have a heavy feeling in my chest. I haven't felt these things for an entire week!!! And I found out why..

It's because I didn't have to deal with other people for almost an entire week! Just my GF and me. Which worked out great. Nobody thwarting my (or our) plans and a little bit of bliss which I hadn't felt in ages. Now all I hear is screaming, noise, the wrecking of stuff and utter, utter chaos. I hate this. I like controlled chaos, but this is just uncontrolled nonsense and irritance (which does not appear to be real word in the English vocabulary).

I wish I could get away from all this, Live my life the way I want it to. But I'm afraid I will never be truly happy. Even during that week I found certain stuff needed to change and I still wasn't happy with the way things were going on other levels, even though I was moderately relaxed..

Once again I get the feeling that I wasn't made for this world. Something about me is so very wrong... But I can't put my finger on it. I don't know how to fix this because I grew up in this. I'd have to completely cut myself loose from everything that's going on in my life right now and start anew. I have no idea on how to do this... I fear the unknown and I lack the strength to leap into something else right now.

Hope for a better tomorrow is fading... Because I've always been hoping... hoping for an enjoyable life. I feel frustrated and confused...

*sigh*