Once again for the renegade master...

Here we are again, feeling like 12 pounds of shit in a 10 pound bag.

Can I explain why? Partly... Things haven't been going the way they should lately. Last weekend was a total drag. And even though moments of fun were surely had, it seemed meaningless and bland.

Met up with some old friends, so that was quite nice. But now, now I feel drained. So bloody tired for some reason. And angry as well. Angry at the feeling I'm currently having. Things are expected of me, but I do not feel the slightest drive to do them. Everyone can go to hell at times like these. I don't need them and just mainly want people to leave me alone. Social interaction becomes more of a nuisance than anything else. I don't always want to have to tell people what I'm about to do.

The worst part is there's nothing that I can think of right now that would ease my mind or even relax me for a second. I just want to rest my head and sleep for a few hours. Just make time pass... Well doesn't that sound fucking depressing. I guess it does. Retorical question, without a doubt. Plus I'm asking myself AND answering which makes it even more weird.

The floor pattern in the hallway totally sucks, there's a million things they could've done differently with it. I doubt that was their main concern when they built this place, but then why the fuck would they bother putting in a pattern at all? So many nonsensical unanswered questions going through my head. Trying to figure out what makes people tick sometimes. And only because I feel so different from others. And maybe somehow finding out what's wrong with me or what I can change about myself... If I find the strength to get up and do so in the first place.

Sometimes I get so fucking delusional I'm convinced that the world is sick and not me. How egotistical is that bullshit? And the more I think about it, the more I'm starting to believe it...

If I died right now, how much impact would it have on those around me? How swiftly will I be forgotten only for things to move on? I can't imagine I'm so important to those around me. I can't even find a way to make things work for myself, so what help could I possibly provide? And yes, you can give me answers that contain my Son, My mother, other possible relatives or friends... But they will eventually get over me and carry on. And yet, the weird thing is, death seems so easy to me. Maybe a little too easy. Somehow there's a glint of hope left in me, that some day will come along where my problems will be fixed or at least bearable... But I must admit, as time goes on my hope is slipping...

Trying to find a way to keep going...

The void

There's a void inside me... A black hole that's trying to suck everything up. A portal to a dimension that calls for emotion and craves it. And it's all happening in me. I can feel it in my chest.

And sometimes it's the exact opposite... I feel dead inside, but somehow very much alive. Alive to feel all the pain and suffering my demons feed me. Wondering how everything got so fucked in the first place... And then... I start to think about my father, and how I probably inherited this demon. It's a curse leaping from generation to generation. Even my son talks to me about how he doesn't understand how people can be such assholes at times. One time he said; "Dad, why are we the only ones that act normal?" I couldn't answer the question. I'm afraid of the emotions he'll have to deal with in the future. Heartbreak... The worst one for me sofar. And he's going to feel it as well. If he's anything like me (and I suspect he is) a world of hurt is waiting for him. If only there was some way for me to protect him from this pain. The only think I can do is keep talking to him about it. Always being open about my emotions towards him and making him feel safe when he talks about his.

My father never could... He only opened up briefly after having consumed copious amounts of alcohol. And even then not all of it came out. Never his deepest fears or desires. Because he was afraid it would portray him as "weak". Well, at least that's what I think. I'll never know for sure.
Only recently I realised how much I miss my dad... And just because of the way he acted sometimes, and I understood. When no one else did, I understood why he said what he said, or did what he did at certain times. And even though he never showed it, I somehow knew he understood me in a way too. It's hard not having someone who understands you on a deeper level when you feel different from everyone else... I want to be that person to my son, as my father somehow was to me, but way better and more involved.

And just now a thought rushes through my head... "What is my purpose here? What am I supposed to do?" I start to question my existence. It seems I have no drive... I don't want to get things done, and even if I did, I wouldn't know where to start. Everything seems so meaningless and empty.

I've always tried living in function of someone else. You know... Tried to believe in the idea that I wanted a normal family situation. A house, a wife, a kid (or 2), pets, a steady job which fulfilled my interests... That I'd be happy with helping my partner and raising my child(ren) the way they deserved. It seems I'm not cut out for this. Tried numerous times and made horrible mistakes along the way. Always trying to do what was best for the other, and trying not to drown myself in the process. I always did. Always drowned myself. Never took the time to think about what I wanted. Now I don't know. I don't know what I want. I'm not particularly interested in anything either. Just a being, existing. Trying to desperately find a way to get back on track, if only I'd know which track that was.

Love is dead

Every time I love passionately it seems I must be destroyed one way or another. I've had it... Being mirrored into something I'm not. 

Is life still worth it? Are there people out there who don't turn their backs on others?

Damn it all to hell. It feels like there's a part of me that will never heal, and the thoughts of dismay get stuck in my head. Unhappily carrying on, trying to avoid drama while it's out to find me somehow. Is it sending me a message? A message to stay away from everyone?

There's moments when I think I shouldn't be here anymore. I wasn't made for this world. Everything I end up trying and get excited for fails miserably time and time again. And now... Now I don't get excited over things anymore. It all feels dull. Trying to fill the emptiness inside me with stuff I don't 

honestly need. Buying things that make me happy in short term, but never in the long run.

Trying to escape the everyday monotony with series, games and music. That is my reality... That is the reality I'd rather have than the one that's going on beside it. The one I'm trying my best to ignore because it makes me unhappy to a great extent.

Always trying to make everyone happy when I do find the strength to engage in social interaction.
"You're a nice person"... Well Ladies and Gentlemen... Nice people always finish last. Why? Because they care. They care about others and not try to be the egotistical piece of shit that others tend to be. Some people deserve to have poison spat into their faces so it eats away at their soul slowly. Then maybe they'll feel a glimpse of the pain I endure almost every waking moment. 

And the times I feel euphoric are far and inbetween. The scales are out of balance. Everything is far more dark than it is light. The days and nights are a struggle. My body tells me things need to change. All my muscles tighten and lock up. It wakes me up at night, with heavy stomach cramps and pain all over.

And then I realise it... It's the people that make me sick...