The void

There's a void inside me... A black hole that's trying to suck everything up. A portal to a dimension that calls for emotion and craves it. And it's all happening in me. I can feel it in my chest.

And sometimes it's the exact opposite... I feel dead inside, but somehow very much alive. Alive to feel all the pain and suffering my demons feed me. Wondering how everything got so fucked in the first place... And then... I start to think about my father, and how I probably inherited this demon. It's a curse leaping from generation to generation. Even my son talks to me about how he doesn't understand how people can be such assholes at times. One time he said; "Dad, why are we the only ones that act normal?" I couldn't answer the question. I'm afraid of the emotions he'll have to deal with in the future. Heartbreak... The worst one for me sofar. And he's going to feel it as well. If he's anything like me (and I suspect he is) a world of hurt is waiting for him. If only there was some way for me to protect him from this pain. The only think I can do is keep talking to him about it. Always being open about my emotions towards him and making him feel safe when he talks about his.

My father never could... He only opened up briefly after having consumed copious amounts of alcohol. And even then not all of it came out. Never his deepest fears or desires. Because he was afraid it would portray him as "weak". Well, at least that's what I think. I'll never know for sure.
Only recently I realised how much I miss my dad... And just because of the way he acted sometimes, and I understood. When no one else did, I understood why he said what he said, or did what he did at certain times. And even though he never showed it, I somehow knew he understood me in a way too. It's hard not having someone who understands you on a deeper level when you feel different from everyone else... I want to be that person to my son, as my father somehow was to me, but way better and more involved.

And just now a thought rushes through my head... "What is my purpose here? What am I supposed to do?" I start to question my existence. It seems I have no drive... I don't want to get things done, and even if I did, I wouldn't know where to start. Everything seems so meaningless and empty.

I've always tried living in function of someone else. You know... Tried to believe in the idea that I wanted a normal family situation. A house, a wife, a kid (or 2), pets, a steady job which fulfilled my interests... That I'd be happy with helping my partner and raising my child(ren) the way they deserved. It seems I'm not cut out for this. Tried numerous times and made horrible mistakes along the way. Always trying to do what was best for the other, and trying not to drown myself in the process. I always did. Always drowned myself. Never took the time to think about what I wanted. Now I don't know. I don't know what I want. I'm not particularly interested in anything either. Just a being, existing. Trying to desperately find a way to get back on track, if only I'd know which track that was.