Love is dead

Every time I love passionately it seems I must be destroyed one way or another. I've had it... Being mirrored into something I'm not. 

Is life still worth it? Are there people out there who don't turn their backs on others?

Damn it all to hell. It feels like there's a part of me that will never heal, and the thoughts of dismay get stuck in my head. Unhappily carrying on, trying to avoid drama while it's out to find me somehow. Is it sending me a message? A message to stay away from everyone?

There's moments when I think I shouldn't be here anymore. I wasn't made for this world. Everything I end up trying and get excited for fails miserably time and time again. And now... Now I don't get excited over things anymore. It all feels dull. Trying to fill the emptiness inside me with stuff I don't 

honestly need. Buying things that make me happy in short term, but never in the long run.

Trying to escape the everyday monotony with series, games and music. That is my reality... That is the reality I'd rather have than the one that's going on beside it. The one I'm trying my best to ignore because it makes me unhappy to a great extent.

Always trying to make everyone happy when I do find the strength to engage in social interaction.
"You're a nice person"... Well Ladies and Gentlemen... Nice people always finish last. Why? Because they care. They care about others and not try to be the egotistical piece of shit that others tend to be. Some people deserve to have poison spat into their faces so it eats away at their soul slowly. Then maybe they'll feel a glimpse of the pain I endure almost every waking moment. 

And the times I feel euphoric are far and inbetween. The scales are out of balance. Everything is far more dark than it is light. The days and nights are a struggle. My body tells me things need to change. All my muscles tighten and lock up. It wakes me up at night, with heavy stomach cramps and pain all over.

And then I realise it... It's the people that make me sick...