Enough...

Lately stress has been taking a toll on my body. I ache everywhere..

Most people who know me would be like: "Dude... You? Stress? What in the  world would stress you out!?" Well.. you have no Idea. My personal life is freaking havoc at the moment. Things at home are always stressing me out. There is no way that I can get a minute of relaxation. My parents are making it nearly impossible for me to live with them. If I could move out at this point (And yes, I should've been out of there for a while now) I would. This instant even! I have a lot of trouble with getting used to my surroundings at my new "place of education" and the fact that this is a daily 2 hour drive doesn't make it any easier for me. It always feels like I don't have enough time to get everything done and I'm always preoccupied with thougts. I need a little peace of mind. My muscles are tensing up so bad lately that I'm always having neck/shoulder pains which lead to bad headaches. I even have this weird pressure in my throat lately. I hyperventilate and get panic attacks more easily than I did before and my daily life is beginning to suffer because of this. I've also been sick a lot more this year. Something has to happen. Or I'll collapse...

once again

Once again I'm dying a 1000 deaths. An overcrowded train puts me off completely. It drives me completely insane. I know I'm even gonna feel the reprecussion of this...
I for one, think it is unreasonable to ask a thing like this from a person like me. If there's anything that freaks me out it's this. Having to stay in a confined space with too many people.
I start hyperventilating, sweating uncontrollably and just plain freaking out in general. And the worst part is; I have to keep it all in. I have to act like nothing's going in. We've stopped at another station. But in stead of people getting off, more are being piled on. FML... Rly...

Why? Why now?.... There's also some kids surrounding me atm. Children are the worst kind of thing to put up with in confined spaces. They're finnicky and unpredictable. Sucking up all the oxygen faster than me in my current state. At least the music in my ears drowns out all the damn noise they're making.
It wasn't bad enough to not know where I was supposed to be when I got off the damn train. Nooooo, they had to make the ride there an absolute fucking hell.
Mind that I'm not even sitting down. I'm standing up in a non-seating compartment and still completely surrounded by fools.. some goodlooking women also, but no time to pay too much attention to that now. The situation is completely enveloping me. I hope this train is going at blazing speeds and I get to Gent fast....

Death to Dj's and FM radio!

Remember when you turned on the radio and heard music that had soul in it for hours on end? YEAH ME NEITHER!

I can't believe what music has come to these days. The majority of popular music has become the worst kind. Always that electronic bullshit that gets pumped into our skulls. It's like people miss the old 56k modem connection sound and want to bring it back, but this time for hours on end!

I rarely turn on my FM radio because of this.. And not to think about the rambling Dj's and retarded callers in-between the blocks of "crap" that people call music these days. I swear to god, listen to this long enough, and if you start to love it, your IQ probably plummeted to 20 in that time. People even call the damn station and when asked a question, they usually sound brain-dead. It's like: "Uh.. uh.. Yes. Uh.. uh no, hihihihihehehe" motherfucking shit-smeared mongoloids! I hate em all! Fucking with the one thing I truly love.. Real music!

We have this so-called "artist" here who managed to fuck up sweet child o' mine somehow. How he ever got the rights to this tune must be because Axel Rose is so fucking coke-ridden these days that he doesn't even bloody know what it's about anymore. Doo dee doo doo dee doo dee doo.. Everyone knows this one. Well, one of them said fuck it up the ass with a rake, used it as a sample and made electronic garbage out of it. And not to forget that singer he has. Besides from the fact that she's totally hot she's completely oblivious about how she's screwing up one of the most important songs of the late 80's with this horse-tooth douche-bag. I'm not a big G&R fan but really... What the flying fuck!?

There are a lot of "artists" that blatantly rip off any riff or piece of music and make their own electronic mess out of it. And the fact that they make money off of this annoys me endlessly. There used to be artists that made soul food and made money off of this. Now that is totally understandable. But the garbage they praise these days is absolutely ridiculous!

I could go on about this for hours and hours on end. But I'm not going to. I guess everyone sees my yet again negative perspective of this..

Once again the people of the world found a way to get on my nerves..

Now I know...

Now I finally know what has been giving me stress and tearing me apart.

My parents had been gone for a week and I felt fine that entire week (except for another fucking problem with my ex, FUCKING HELL I'm getting tired of this). I even slept normally, which is a big deal for me!! My girlfriend stayed over and we filled our days with fun and relaxation which we both desperately needed it seems.

The second my parents returned from their trip I started sleeping badly, and feeling very uncomfortable. I'm trying to fix up an old laptop for future recordings at the moment. This is a very hard task considering my son is here. And he's at a terrible age where he needs mountains of attention (can't do anything for myself) and breaks EVERYTHING he gets his hands on. The tension over here is just through the roof at the moment. That and many questions I have in my life at the moment. I'm not contempt at all with the way things are going lately. It's even the little things in life that can't go right.

My stomach is upset, acid reflux is just around the corner and I have a heavy feeling in my chest. I haven't felt these things for an entire week!!! And I found out why..

It's because I didn't have to deal with other people for almost an entire week! Just my GF and me. Which worked out great. Nobody thwarting my (or our) plans and a little bit of bliss which I hadn't felt in ages. Now all I hear is screaming, noise, the wrecking of stuff and utter, utter chaos. I hate this. I like controlled chaos, but this is just uncontrolled nonsense and irritance (which does not appear to be real word in the English vocabulary).

I wish I could get away from all this, Live my life the way I want it to. But I'm afraid I will never be truly happy. Even during that week I found certain stuff needed to change and I still wasn't happy with the way things were going on other levels, even though I was moderately relaxed..

Once again I get the feeling that I wasn't made for this world. Something about me is so very wrong... But I can't put my finger on it. I don't know how to fix this because I grew up in this. I'd have to completely cut myself loose from everything that's going on in my life right now and start anew. I have no idea on how to do this... I fear the unknown and I lack the strength to leap into something else right now.

Hope for a better tomorrow is fading... Because I've always been hoping... hoping for an enjoyable life. I feel frustrated and confused...

*sigh*

Past fears catching up.

I just had a terrible breakdown which was lingering for a while now, explaining why I was so drunk this weekend...

Tuesday I got completely humiliated and mentally destroyed for no apparent reason by a person whose name I shall not speak of. I locked up and got so angry that I had to suppress rage in such a way that my eyes started gleaming. This really destroyed me, pulled out the foundation underneath me. A foundation which I had to work on very hard for so long. But none of it seemed to matter. I have been shoved back into a pit lately. And bad luck seems to seek me wherever I go...
People tell me: "Luck is what you make it!" Well... HORSESHIT. It's been statistically proven that some people have more bad luck than others, but nobody has figured out why. Great...

So yeah naturally past Friday I felt like killing the pain the only way I knew, with copious amounts of booze.
And this time I went so overboard that even today I'm still feeling the after-effect... I may have to retire from the drinking game for a while until my body feels somewhat restored. I have to figure out more things about myself. I thought I was stronger than this... Turns out I've been wanting stuff that I can't grasp because of my own actions. Also, how can people be such inconsiderate douchebags at times? A little friendliness goes a long way in my book. I always try to be nice towards people, especially those I haven't met. But some of them just don't apply this way of social interaction. They break you down, the second you talk to them. If I could only understand what makes people do this, then maybe I could show compassion for this behavior. But now, I totally don't. Done, they're just done... Once somebody talks down to me the first time they met me, they will probably never hear me speak again. Unless they apologize for what they've done, show me that they sincerely mean it and regret their former actions.

I was already somewhat of a misanthrope but this case just made it SO much worse. I trust every person I don't know around me as much as a rabid doberman. When I sit down in a bar, I always find my backside directly facing a wall so I can see everything that happens around me. No sudden surprises. I hate those.
Oh, by the way.. when I say surprises it's meant in a bad way (just to be clear if this was not already obvious).

Today I went to Antwerp with my girlfriend. Didn't really feel like it but I owed her this. I've been kind of a couch potato lately (BECAUSE REASONS!). So we went and I had this feeling which I can't explain and haven't felt for quite a while now. I thought: "hey, you haven't eaten anything yet.. maybe it's just the low blood sugar". Well, was I ever wrong.
A while after I ate I started getting this really bad pressure between my eyes. Like the beginning of a terrible migraine attack. My breathing started to get heavy and I felt like I was gonna die. Classic anxiety attack. But only this time it felt a million times worse than it ever did. I immediately had to abort whatever plans we had for that day and had to beg her to take me home. Not that she didn't want to help me, but I understand. This is hard to comprehend. I felt so guilty about taking this day away from her. She had been looking forward to it so badly. I wished it would go away, but it only got worse. I could tell by the look on her face that she was disappointed. I've seen this look a million times on a million faces. Nobody can fool me into telling they aren't feeling this way. If there was anything I could have done to stop it, I would have... Sadly there wasn't. So I kept telling her how sorry I was about this whole thing...

Let me go in depth a little more about how I feel when getting these terrible attacks.

-Some sort of migraine that pressures my head like crazy (especially between the eyes).
-A bad case of hyperventilation because yay, it's not bad enough to feel one thing that I don't like.
-Kind of a "dizzy Hulk" thing I have going on.
-Every little sound drives me insane (In this case an escalator.. I really wanted to rip it to shreds)
-All people around me scare me, they have to go away.
-It's very hard for me to talk, I can only state that I don't feel well and I have to get out of here.
-I have to get to a safe haven. Somewhere familiar where there's preferably no one around.
-Don't ask me too many questions, I can't answer them.
-In a desperate attempt, when trying to fight what I'm feeling I may come off as super angry. I'm not angry at you, only at myself and the feeling I'm having.

After a few minutes in a quiet familiar place this all fades pretty fast. Talking to me about fun stuff that I like helps sometimes, but not in every case of this, depending on how far of a stage I am.

On a side note, I always want to know people that everything I do is out of good will. I never mean harm to anyone whatsoever. Not physically nor mentally. I think about those around me as much as I can. Something other people may want to take an interest in. Because holy hell, just look at traffic sometimes. That really shows the nature of people.

I hope that this will end soon, and that I find a second wind. Because I don't have the time for this...

I don't mix.. unless it's my drink.

People are the reason that I drink. I'm quite the misanthrope...

Everyone seemed to have screwed me over at some point, and I somehow always have the best intentions. I like to warn people for dangers, help them if I can. Maybe I'm too blind to heed their warnings but mostly I don't think I get any. I've always felt like somewhat of an alien. Like no person REALLY understood what I am about. Some come close, but coming close and really understanding is a completely different thing. I don't really expect that much from life anymore. My ideals aren't unrealistic... But somehow always out of reach. They say life is what you make it, but what if there are certain things that get in your way? Obstacles you can't overcome... Try to find some articles about people that are born for bad luck. Some people do statistically have worse luck than others. They in fact seem to attract it. I fear I am one of those people...

Sometimes I doubt realism. Have you ever wondered if everything around you is real? To me this could all be a really, really bad dream. It's funny, because some people tend to stay away from these thoughts. When you begin to bring this discussion up, they're like: "You're nuts, I've never wondered about these things!" which I think is terribly sad. The one thing a human should be on is the quest for their existence. Scientific research would be the answer to this. But what if the science of everything isn't real? What if It's just some stuff made up by the terrible organism that brought me into this "world", if that's what you'd like to call it at this point. Also, scientific research wouldn't get me anywhere, as I don't have the resources to get the things needed that would produce the desired results.

All this may sound like a really crazy theory on life. I understand this. I feel that everyone around me is ment to believe that I am crazy or some sort of psychopath. Delusional paranoia is what people may call this. They'd love to lock me up in a straight jacket or put me on some kind of medication I bet. And you know why? Self profit!

The bigger force at hand in our countries doesn't want anything more than wealth... They put people on meds (knowing they won't help by the way) just for profit. Enlarging their companies is the only thing they care about. Money, wealth.. See, the money and the wealth thing I get. It's the lies and the deceit that don't work well with me. Knowingly killing people, now who in their right mind would want to do such a thing? The guilt would tear me apart.

A lot of bad things happen to me, and knowing that there are far worse people out there who live wealthy and have good lives... That just tears me apart. You could say life isn't fair. But do we have to take this fuckin' shit? Why is it that we put up with this bullshit each and every day? All these idiots surrounding you trying to fill your head with nonsense and trying to brainwash your ass into running along with them.

I hope to find these answers some day...

Console wars

To cut to the chase here's my thoughts on the new consoles...

Xbox One (let's call it XB1 for short):

Gamers crave compatibility with their old systems in new ones. Do they get that!? Yet again, NO! So there's the first reason why your sales will plummet. Also this is supposed to be a console.. which has meant "gaming" ever since the ATARI 2600... Not so much anymore.

Ok, the gaming part is still there to be fair, but at first and yes, even at second sight the damn thing appears to be focused on Kinect and Home theater experiences. (Blurays yet again people yaaaay -.-')

Not to mention that the damn thing (despite its really stupid name imho) is really ugly. It looks like one of the first VCR's we had when I was 5 yrs old. 

On to the hardware specs... 

Once again I'm not really impressed. The Xbox One is powered by an 8-core x86 AMD CPU. Ok, not bad.. still going pretty well.. A GPU that’s very similar to the Radeon 7790 which is a little outdated already, but nonetheless bang for the buck if you'll look at these bench results:

http://www.videocardbenchmark.net/gpu.php?gpu=Radeon+HD+7790&id=2502

And 8 gigs of DDR3 ram, which is fine... Wait for it.... Only 5 of those will be dedicated to gaming as the primary OS of the "gaming" system needs the other 3.. Wait WHUT? Even my desktop pc which runs Win7 x64 (because i'm not coming anywhere near win8) doesn't eat that much mem. 

Also, game trading is a thing of the past with this wonderful machine. Because who doesn't like to borrow a game from a friend and pay the full price once they put it in their XB1? This goes beyond all comprehension. This is a limitation where the bar is set a little too high.. Yes, every game needs to be purchased when played on another XB1. The Kinect is always on by the way... at all times.... Creepin' you out yet frequent couch masturbator?

Microsoft this is where you "F" up.. I thought the WII-U wouldn't sell with these two corporate giants in the video game industry around the corner. I may have to rethink this... Even though the WII-U keeps trampling on the edge of this gen's graphical abilities when it comes to consoles. But i'm not getting into that one because I don't consider the WII-U to be a really big contender. And the reason for this is the next console...

The PS4:

Yes Sony! Even though you haven't showed us this black box (only teased us with blurry and close up pics, which I don't comprehend) we know what to expect from it. Here's the hardware specs (copy pasted it yes, kinda lazy): 

Single-chip custom processor

CPU: x86-64 AMD 'Jaguar' 8 cores
GPU: 1.84 TFLOPS, AMD next-generation Radeon™ based graphics engine

Memory:
GDDR5 8GB

Hard Disk Drive:
Built-in

Optical Drive (read only):
BD 6xCAV
DVD 8xCAV

I/O and communication:
Super-Speed USB (USB 3.0)
AUX
Ethernet (10BASE-T, 100BASE-TX, 1000BASE-T)
IEEE 802.11 b/g/n
Bluetooth® 2.1 (EDR)

AV output:
HDMI
Analog-AV out
Digital Output (optical)

This is where Sony Does it right. Even though the prices will be slightly steeper than the XB1 it still seems to deliver on graphical quality. "Next-gen Radeon basted graphics engine" Which is better than the XB1's old-gen tech me thinks. Well, let's hope so... but I have a good hunch that this one will do better.

I'm happy with everything sofar on the ps4 front, except for one thing. The "Share button". Why does a controller need a share button? From a let's player's point of view (given the right software to upload the content) this may be easy but how many people are actually going to use this? This just seems a cost expense that could have been easily avoided by adding this as an in-game menu option or something. 

Other than that, good reveal on Sony's part. They showed some of the new "engine" tech within the games, which I was impressed by, and even a few titles I'm totally pumped for!

I don't want to sound like a SONY fanboy but they did good in comparison to Microsoft, which is just a fact at this point. Even Sony's stock has gone up 9% right after the XB1 reveal. Coincidence? I think not!

So there we go, bet on the SONY machine if you do want to buy any of the next-gen consoles.

I still hope Microsoft gets to set things straight @ E3 in a little more than 3 weeks. I really like a good match-up between these two companies. Although it really looks bad for Microsoft...

If this keeps up, PC gaming will be back on the rise. Which you don't see me complaining about. I love my rig more than any console out there! (Though my SEGA Genesis comes close.. Retro LUV ^^)

So there's my two cents on everything!

Family-in-law occasions...

Oh lord, It's another one of these. Having diner at A restaurant with a bunch of in-laws is always terrible. Just wish I could have stayed at home today. I always start hyperventilating at occasions like these. A whole bunch of people that make me feel uncomfortable + a place I've never been before
It sounds very weak of me not to be able to do this but I can't control it. And when you start feeling uncomfortable and people start staring at you and start asking you if you feel ok, that feels even more dreadful. Not to mention that there's another course waiting for me and I'm already stuffed.. I suffer at times like these. Also I can't be who I naturally am on these occasions. This is just feels wrong. I am a person who likes to confide into the comfort of his own quarters... Please don't make me do these kind of things. My being here is not of extra value and neither is this little "get-together" for me. On the contrary...

ugh

I took down the last post because people apparently misinterpreted everything I said. Everything I said in the deleted posts are my thoughts on the matter. I can't say with certainty that this is the truth or not. I should've known things would yet again turn against my favor.. as it always does..

People are free to believe as they think.. never thought so many would read what I have to say... And yes, I do have some skeletons in my closet too, I admit to this. But I know of others who do too. I have completely lost my faith in humanity and in trying to understand how things work around me...

Yet again the odds turn against me... Yay

SAVINGS!?

I decided a few months ago that I should start saving up for the future.

Seeing how I didn't have a savings account I went ahead and opened one. My premise was to save up to 200 EUR every month. In the beginning it failed horribly and I spent most of my money on crud I didn't really need. I had a very serious talk about this and decided that I was gonna try to save "fo' realz" this time...

I just saved 200 last month and then it happened.... I locked myself out of the house. Had to call a locksmith to come and open the door up. That set me back 127 EUR already.. Fuck! 

I had to make several expenses again today (+ I needed  a new montior a while back which also didn't help my cause) because it's my mom's birthday tomorrow. I wanted to buy her a frame (made up out of differently arranged frames put together) and decided to go for emotional value over spending a wad of cash on a present she'll never use. The drive to the shop was an absolute hell since every damn road in this godforsaken retard-pit of a town is under construction. So I got the frame, got home.. and noticed that the company who had made this bundle of frames couldn't even tell the measurements themselves. It says "Approx. 4 by 6 inches".. So yeah this already annoys the crap out of me. These frames had to have been measured before they were actually made right? So you're telling me all those same kind of frames lying there all have approximate measurements. Not 2 of them are the same??? Fuck this company up the ass.. seriously. It's just to fuck with people. You try to do something nice for people, but noooo... some fudge-face had to come along and fuck up your perfectly thought out plan. So I was like ok, I'm just gonna wing it and buy some glossy paper, print these out myself at home and do some nice snipping, cutting, measuring and fitting. 

I installed Adobe Photoshop again to work out some details, everything going smooth sofar...

I start printing, the photo comes out all red-ish. Great.. Now I have to head back to the store to get some printer cartridges. Printer cartridges are friggin' expensive as well, hated it.. So again with the money that I can't miss right now, but hey, it's for my mom's birthday right what the hay.

I came home with these goddamn cartridges, installed them in my piece of shit printer and continued to click the print button after having to print that FUCKING ALIGNMENT page yet AGAIN (drain my ink more from the beginning please). The printer starts fidgeting, I see the paper getting stuck and I'm like ok... let's pull it out and try this again. The 10th bloody time it worked and the damn thing started printing. It comes out all crooked and there's no way for me to cut it right now.. Might as well smash my scissors on the spot. So I try yet again. The paper gets stuck again for a few times. By this time I went through almost all the glossy papers which are now RUINED, and still don't have a present to give my mom in the morning. Oh, and I just lost money AGAIN because of all this bullshit. 

So My girlfriend reads my angrily written facebook status and tries to calm me down with a skype conversation. Now let me inform you: 'I am not a nice person when I'm angry, I don't want to do anything I can't fix myself, I hate your solutions because I refuse to take your help!'. I know these are terrible qualities but somehow can't change this on days like these. So she gets mad at me hangs up on me.. great, like this day couldn't get any worse.. Now she's pissed at me too. 

I almost ripped the printer apart and started smashing it like "HULK". I hate that printer.. And this world...